Wednesday, December 31, 2008
I think both Valentines Day and the Christmas season are the only two
occasions when you take a look at your life and wonder if you're happy.
i TO-tally agree... but then again, i never need an excuse to go senti
and muse why happiness escapes me.
the weird thing is i know why i'm not happy.
(kindly ignore the inconsistency)
i realize i'm actually scared of being happy. cause if i'm happy...
seriously, constant bliss is boring. call the perspective what you want
- but it's true.
and yes, ally mcbeal said that too.
i sooo miss that series...
so for the non-warped sane individuals who don't shun happiness...
HAPPY YEAR OF THE OX!!! hehe:P
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
OMG. inday is getting married.
and i am grappling with mixed emotions.
happiness, nostalgia, pensive melancholy
and a rather misplaced sense of maternal
well, i was always telling inday off when
it comes to guys... it has always been kind
of her weakness (hehe. sowi day)
i feel a little helpless owing to the fact na
wala pa nako na kilatis ang keru, and suddenly
finding out that they have plotted down marriage
as a definite possibility come april.
i am still happy nonetheless. bums will always be
happy for other bums when heaven grants them a
delicious someone to love, to hold and to cherish.
this better be the real thing, though.
(love you day!!! i expect to be informed of all
the details, or else. haha)
here's a warped compliment, i offered him. i think you're
smarter than me. cause if you weren't,
i'd be bored by now.
but honestly, we're both feeling a little lukewarm.
i think we hyped up this thing too much. now we're suffering
from the aftermath of "great expectations".
but then again, i am a pathological optimist when it comes
to relationships. there hasn't been anything we can't talk
through so far... i think.
most days though, i miss my best friend more than my boyfriend,
even if they are one and the same.
does it really have to be either-or?
Monday, December 8, 2008
minutes burn into seconds
in a blink
the winding road is long
always i am pressed for time
as if through a sift,
time flows through my hands like water
The hands on my watch
Whir themselves to a blur
As everyone rush past
But I am left on a standstill
everyone, it seems
has somewhere else
i am on a standstill
life passing me by
disclaimer: this is NOT a relapse to my emo stage,
never mind the defensiveness. hehe. this
is simply a manifestation of my impatience
to get the hell out of iligan already, which
is still like, 8 months from now. more or less.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
at ANC Square-off, and we damn well have all the right to lord it over people!
Until the next round at least. hehe
I feel justifiably avenged after losing a round to them at the Nationals...
it was sweet to finally wipe those condescending grins off their faces
(sour-grapy much?... uh. is that even a word? hehe)
burn UST, BUURRRNNN!!!
okay. so much for the destructive language.
here are pictures from TEAM IIT's latest victory.
GO MSU-IIT DEBATE VARSITY!!! YAROKZTA!!!
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
i still hate being a teacher
i am loving debate though, and it makes up for the boringness of it all
uhmmm... i only hang out with my debaters and my co-coaches now which is okay but we all suffer from debate overload so it still gets kinda boring.
i just found out that i still have a year again, A WHOLE FRIGGIN' YEAR PEOPLE!!! before we finish my masters and i am severely depressed over this.
i drink and smoke a LOT less now, but this is a default set-up. hehe
he ruined all my earlier relationships for me.
he knows it and is not sorry for it.
apparently i ruined some relationships for him too.
not intentionally on both our cases...
we had just been subconsciously measuring our exes on each other.
isn't that sweeeeeeeet? possibly warped, but toe-curling sweeeeet nonetheless.
... still scared shitless though. baby steps, baby steps...
Saturday, October 18, 2008
i spout cliches.
you leave me
and in want of sparkling words.
i love you
i need you
i miss you
... what can i possibly say
that has not been said before?
i am in
of two best friends
who decide to end friendship
for the promise of love;
seems so uncharacteristically novel,
that i wonder,
how it ever bore the label
of a generic phenomenon.
for in truth
there is nothing generic
or about us...
ours is a completely spontaneous spark
ungoverned by any template
they've preset for us
so forgive me
if i offer
none but borrowed words
you see speech only aides to express
what hearts already know
Thursday, October 16, 2008
one of my debaters, shrieking (being so consistently gay),
made me read this poem which led to me shrieking as well. it's
one of those weird things when you come across a certain piece of
prose (or poetry in this case) and you feel like a completely
anynomous someone had written something especially for you --
kind of 'killing me softly' na poem version.
fine, i might just be indulging in melodramatic tendencies, but
whatever. i am posting this because i positiviely swooned
over these lines (then hopped around giddily wih philip. haha.)
my clumsiest dear, whose hands shipwreck vases
who quick touch all glasses chip and ring
whose palms are bulls in china, burs in linen
and have no cunning in any soft thing
except ill-at-ease fidgeting people
the refugee uncertain at the door
you make at home; deftly you steady
the drunk clambering on his undulant floor
unpredictable dear, the taxi driver's terror
shrinking from far headlights pale as a dime
yet leaping before red aploplectic streetcars
misfit in any space. and never on time
a wrench in clocks and the solar system. only
with words and people and love you move at ease
in traffic of wit expertly manuever
and keep us, all devotion, at your knees
forgetting your coffee spreading at your flannel
your lipstick grinning on your coat
so gayly in love's unbreakable heaven
our souls in glory of spilt bourbon float
be with me, my darling, early and late
i'll study wry music for your sake
for should your hands drop wry and empty
all the toys in the world would break
... i love you, clumsiness and all. and
although this poem is truer for me than for you,
loving you, i will never be clumsy at ...
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Yes, hilary duff is on the movie. and no, she doesn't die. (i know, what's up with that???) but anyway, we can disregard her pathetic attempts at what her limited mind conceives as 'acting' because of these lines:
Natalie Hegalhuzen (Marisa Tomei): So you want to seduce the journalist whose politics you despise?
Brand Hauser (John Cusack) : How dare you. I have no politics.
i love john cusack in this movie!!!
Natalie Hegalhuzen: You know that all my writings have called this occupation a violation of international law and its practitioners are criminals?
Brand Hauser: Do you really believe all this stuff you write?
Natalie Hegalhuzen: Anyone who can causes this much mayhem when they didn't have to? The amount of suffering that I've seen?
Brand Hauser: I know.
Brand Hauser: [speaking on the phone] Ok. Hold on a sec.
[speaking to Natalie again]
Brand Hauser: But the way I look at it is this: the day we can actually feel and hear all the suffering of mankind, that's the day when "The Christ" will come back! So we got that going for us.
[speaking on the phone again]
Brand Hauser: I'll be out in a minute.
[speaking to Natalie again]
Brand Hauser: Or 'The Buddha', or Allah, whoever floats your boat.
And now, for the best line everrrr...
Brand Hauser: Did you know that the word "person" comes from the Latin word "persona", which means mask? So maybe being human means we invite spectators to ponder what lies behind. Each of us will be composed of a variety of masks, and if we can see behind the mask, we would get a burst of clarity. And if that flame was bright enough, that's when we fall in love. What's your opinion on these divine matters?
Natalie Hegalhuzen: I'm not going to fuck you. You know that, right?
(bwahahahaha! raawrrr... )
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
i just had to repost this from drifter's haven:
everytime im out with the new breed of hardcore drunkards in dumaguete i always share to them the days when i was with a group of superhardcoredrunkards who call themselves brilliant bums. i'm not proud of the way they drink beer like it's fresh buko juice, but im proud of the way they handle themselves when they get drunk. ow. wait. forget bout that. im proud bout the way they handle their studies despite their hectic schedules. to wake up early in the morning to attend class and stay up late and get drunk is not an easy thing to do but it seems that they perfected the kung-fu style routines. i miss them. its not the perfect group but its, by fact, a group filled with imperfect people who admits to themselves that they are not perfect but when theyre all together it seems that the world is just as perfect as they perceive it to be.
at first i thought they were just the typical college students who are just bored with their lives and are just hungry for companionship. you cant blame me for thinking that way coz every single day their faces are at el amigo, a place where a striving student can get a cheap beer and if one has coins to spare then one can get peanuts to further feed the hunger caused by boredom. they were there almost everyday- loud and wild. at times you can see them laughing their asses off with a language everbody calls the "gay linggo" which is a familiar phenomenon in dumaguete; and sometimes with an invented language- the "papipapipapi language" as what id like to call it- is as hard to decode as the "gay lingo". and their are times you can see them silently staring at each other, sometimes with tears falling from their tired eyes down to their beer which they drink without bothering with the new found taste. one must know that no matter what the mood was there's always a good conversation to expect. topics sprung up like weeds; and as senses are heightened (you know why!!!!) one must expect a heated conversation, a shocking confession or an argument between soon to be philosopher's of this tangled world.
it's funny how they can catch up with every word and laugh as if they were the only customers at el ams. that was my first impression of these wonderful personalities that crossed my path when i was hungry for real conversations. then i get to know each and everyone by heart. i started to understand their bond. its not just the beer but the things they share and the things they learn from each other's stories -its life at progress. everytime i talk to one of them,or the group itself, i get a new insight of life or the more dreadful word for it -REALITY. i learned that they were as weak as i am- prone to temptation and anger brought by god knows what. i also learned that they strive hard to be better-sometimes failing, most of the time just dealing and moving on which is a gud sign. some of us has the same storylines. movies with the same scripts but with different characters. i saw patterns from our stories. characters were made. plots was discovered. schemes decoded and solved for peace of mind. i'm not alone afterall, i said to myself.
everyday we meet to share stories,with the beer between us, and just savor the company. fast forward.... finals came and i was there when they cried coz they were afraid that they wont get their diplomaS and still they were drinking. i even found out that they were supposed to pass their final requirements the following day. i bid them goodluck. graduation came and there they were. cum laude..awards here and there...i was shocked. shocked coz i never thought they can get the top spot because of their drinking habits. there i was shocked and proud. this is so long of a blog. i will end this by saying thankYOU for each and everyone of you guys. you inspire me. thankYOU for the stories and for being real. i miss all of you.
Posted by xandersalamander at 9:36 AM
hala oi... hehehe pagka story sa brilliant bums! shiet! mingaw na nuon ko napud. sigi ra kog gi mingaw napud napud napud!!!!!!
October 7, 2008 9:47 AM
an overdose of life said...
haaaaaaaaaaalaaaaaaa ooooooooooiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!! wala ko kasabot sakong na-feel, na-touch ko nga nalipay nga gimingaw nga unsa ba....
i miss everyone!!! :( thanks sands... ako i-repost ha? miss you :(
October 7, 2008 9:59 AM
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
i was fourteen and unspeakably naive. it was sophomore year in high school, i think i was in the middle of an identity crisis (totally unrelated to gender, by the way) and so i had spent every waking day trying to be good enough so that people will find me interesting -- find me worthy of their attention.
he was there and he engaged me and made me feel worthwhile. we talked about whether the bible should be taken literally which gradually evolved to chicken-egg discussions. our conversations, however inane, always left me grinning. i thought to myself, here's someone worth the time of day, and i thought so till graduation.
we gradually evolved. i fell in "love" with numerous guys and he fell deeply in love with margill... nothing and everything stayed the same. he slipped further away, and yet stayed near. he was convinced margill was the love of his life, and he was still the only the person i could sit for an hour with, saying nothing, and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation i had.
then college happened and we slipped further still. we emailed now and then, but we practically just blinked in and out, in a span of numerous months for a time -- a year even. for the last couple of years we stood at the sidelines of each other's lives. and yet when everything seemed to crash down on me and the most recent love of my life, left me alone to pick up the broken pieces... he was there and it was high school, all over again.
things change. but some things always stay the same. i'm glad that what i have with him is one of those things. because although i can handle change, i need at least one thing to remain true and unshakable...
as it is with him. all these years, he's always been there and i always found comfort in the fact that i had him. i tell people he's my bestfriend, but he's always been a lot more than that. i may not be able to contain what we have within any label, but we really don't need one.
i know exactly how much he means to me.
(and that's all i'm saying about it. i dont wanna preempt things, and ruin this before it even starts...:) i wanna keep him for myself. for now. hehe)
Monday, September 29, 2008
it's my warped way of refusing to grow older.
hmmmmmmm... when did our birthdays start to become
reminders that we're running out of time, instead
of being granted more?
maybe it's a half-full, half-empty thing.
so now i'm a pessimist.
well, i guess i've always been chronically so.
or have at least pretended to be for the last 22 years.
but like i've told easter, i'm post-emo now. hehe
anyway, it's my birthday and i felt like i should do something.
so, here i am commemorating being a year closer to the deadline
with a blog post. (woah, that sounds so.... emo. hehehe)
honestly, it doesn't feel any different. i'd probably forget
if i don't always have my nose in friendster.
but there is something i want to write about....
you know how semisonic sang 'every new beginning starts from
some other beginning's end..'? well, 23 is my new beginning.
i know this is totally blaspheming the feminine cause
and my claim to be part of it, but well, it starts and ends with a guy.
what can i say, it's the perpetual story of my life.
actually, it's angel's tagline and mine:
in perpetual search of true love (or our idea of it).
so yes, there's a guy. and as much as i want to satisfy
your burning curiosity which is searing a hole in my chatbox,
i think splashing him all over this blog will jinx it so...
let's just say, it will be a happy birthday for me... :)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
death has been all around lately. like a bad smell, it follows me around. this smell, it sticks to my clothes and my fingertips so that it mixes with the smell of nicotine when I smoke. all those news of innumerable deaths, sporadic in frequency, but overwhelmingly frequent, nonetheless: the grim consequences of a tragedy in the high seas, and floods, and car crashes and murders in between.
closer to home, already, i've been to three funerals this year. all second-degree relatives, all deaths from a cocktail of everyday diseases, matured to a full ripe with complications.
i was there to witness their grief - and by 'them' i mean everyone else who wasn't me. it was much like what i saw in TV, only that the tears are not anonymous. and the smell is more pungent. i know these people, i grew up with them around: kissed their hands at family gatherings like the good niece i was, run to their biddings like the good niece i was, and now, after their deaths, i make sure to dutifully attend vigils, like the good niece i am.
but the good niece wasn't really here to grieve. i was here to be a spectator. i see the precarious threads from which my cousins' sanities are hung, but pushed to the sidelines, i sit silently enthralled in this strange circus of deaths.
this most recent death, i find myself racking my brains for memories of this aunt i grew up having around but i find i can hardly remember. conversations float around me: of what she was like, how she was the kindest person they knew. she was kind, true. she was human, more true. and i scarcely remember her and this i deeply regret as i avert my eyes every time they cross paths with those of my cousins.
those nightly vigils are filled with all these nameless faces, all vaguely familiar: faces morose when at an arm's length from the coffin, then suddenly shift to their everyday countennance - just another death. nothing to be all hyped up about.
i wonder if my face was like that.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
two extremely blogworthy events for today:
first is angel's birthday. we happen to share the same birth month so when her birthday comes i feel a mixture of happiness and dread. happiness over the gift of another year for a good friend and myself, and dread over having to add yet another year on my age. (at least i'm still young enough to get away with being shallow. haha).
here's a testi i made for her at friendster:
for my most special girlfriend (and i mean that in a completely un-lesbian way) on her most special day:
damn, we've actually known each other for more than half a decade now (altho most tyms it seems lyk iv known u all my lyf--aww) and we've been thru a LOT. i know we promised to always be together on r birthdays (with aiken on those coco amigo days of long ago), but i guess even then, we've always known that we're bound to take different roads and live different lives. and yet, despite the fact that we hardly get to update each other on the ongoings of our lives now, i know we will always and forever share the things that matter. we will always have those twisted and epic-long discussions on life and love, we will always have those sudden fits of laughter over things we'd rather not tell people about, we'll always have those theme songs in commemoration of the angel-mara tandem and our misadventures...
cheers to making new memories to laugh and cry over
miss u mam. hapi birthday!
ren did a report on national TV today!!!
woohooo!!! kudos to ren2!
the baby is now... a reporter!
hehehe. super gushing with pride...:)
Thursday, September 4, 2008
so just to make things more warped, i think my student (who is our age or slightly older, 2nd courser, with a job naman, justify, justify...) is courting me. (do people still use that word?)
well at least i think he likes me.
but this teacher-student thing (besides totally cramping my style) makes it beyond weird. although, i am honestly more amused and flattered at the thought than actually interested.
he's is kind of a cutie. hahaha
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
haven't done a status check since. just skirted around the issue, hardly probing, afraid to acknowledge that my hope of the hurt dissipating on its own is a delusion.
which it is.
all this time, i filled the void with worries about work, psuedo-intimacy from proxy male company. of course, one drunken night when i and my current "squeeze" (as jam would call it) ended up kissing, i broke down afterwards, as i knew i would.
always the idiot who emotionally invests over the most fleeting of connections.
this sordid affair of the 'love that was once was but is no more' has been a real pain in the ass for the past year. i wish i can have it done and over with.
but then, it doesn't work that way does it?
how does it work though?
as for the status check... mmm.. still too chicken. don't know what to do yet with what i might find out.
i did realize something though, while smoking and counting the bathroom tiles:
it was never my intention to be happy.
i mean, can you imagine how boring that would be? hehehe
Friday, August 29, 2008
so im on my 2nd beer, whining over my selfish troubles, and here comes joey: this incredible 12-year-old wise-ass hu sells peanuts at el ams and suddenly, for a few minutes, i am able to appreciate how wonderful my life is.
like once told a friend, i am totally smitten with the kid because he's one of the very few people whose always genuinely happy to see me... there's nothing like seeing him flash his toothy grin every time we each other at memento or el ams or sted's. he helps me stop being self-absorbed for a while and just feel content with chatting with him about his day and whatnot.
and man is the guy deep. not something ud expect from a fifth-grader hu looks about 8 (the result of a life of poverty and years of dprivation). he'd be telling me stuff id never expect from some1 so young... but then again, he's seen a lot more of life than i have so, in some ways, the kid is more mature than me.
i wish someday i cud do something for him coz he has no idea of how much he's done for me...
(October 4, 2005)
Saturday, August 23, 2008
that no one else but ourselves can make us happy. that if we can't with be happy ourselves, why do we think we can be happy with other people?
what i find problematic with this is the assumption that people are actually capable of being happy alone. i cannot fathom that. my greatest fear is to be alone. and the idea of supposedly finding happiness in that does not remotely make sense to me.
yet, is that the point in life? to realize in the end that we came in alone therefore we leave alone and to think otherwise is some fantasy we created to numb the harsh lonely truth?
in a busy street, i look around into those streams of nameless faceless and think that i see the same eyes. those secretly terrified eyes that lurk behind the nonchalance, the pretense of not caring.
those that endlessly carry the fear that i AM alone. that the world is not my company but merely a sea of observers to my grief borne of my endless search for someone who's never going to come.
i used to think i was a hopeless romantic. and that my constant fantasies of meeting that one true love are the manifestations of being one. now i think they are simply the delusions of a person terrified of facing up to the truth that there is no one i am supposed to be waiting for.
i look around and i see people who have settled for whatever company the circumstances of their lives have granted them just to keep from sleeping in cold beds at night. they put with the shit, the countless idiosyncracies, the lack of actual warmth, the endless little gory details of forced cohabitation so they won't be alone. and those who chose to play solitaire sleep with their misery looking out to the world with my eyes only with more grief.
it scares the shit out of me to see myself in them.
i didn't know when i started to be so bleak. maybe the world had always been this bleak and i had just caught up. maybe im just an overly-pessimistic sick little kid.
maybe we ARE just pieces of meat in various stages of decay and my fears are all warpedly founded. or maybe im just paranoid.
maybe i should just go to sleep. i don't wanna prove myself right and find myslef living the nightmare i just wrote down. there's a sane part of me that says i should know better than to think that this all life has to offer.
at least i think that's the sane part of me.
Thursday, August 21, 2008
2. it's a Samsung
3. it's the same with Serena's in Gossip Girl!
(but then that's why i bought it. hehe)
4. figured you guys might not be able to actually
see it seeing as how my phones usually have a
surprisingly high mortality rate.
5. ... it's kewl.
and no, i am not naming it.
love you eas!
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
of you have known me. but it's not because i feel inclined to be
detached from this city per se. it's more like that detachment
being a mere consequence of my parents being here, and the
implication of which is that having the same zip code with my
parents translates to a complete lack of freedom for me.
so yes, i love Dumaguete, but this does not mean i do NOT love Iligan. Because i do. i love dumaguete because i fancy that's where i found myself, but iligan is my hometown -it is a huge part of who
i am. so if no one can take me away
from dumaguete, no one can take
iligan out of me.
i used to be supremely irked when people
from luzon and visayas (but mostly
from luzon) ask questions like:
"So, how does it feel to grow up in conflict?"
- Conflict... uh... what conflict?
"O talaga, you're from Mindanao?! Pano ka napunta dito?"
- Well, una sumakay kami ng bangka, after 5 days, nasira yung
bangka so lumangoy kami... tas nung nakakita kami ng lupa,
nag-lakad kami ng nag-lakad hanggang makarating kami
"Pano ka natuto mag-Tagalog?"
- Ummm... actually, kasi yung yaya ko dati Tagalog.
Ayun, tinuruan nya ko.
I used to think they were all morons and then, i'd think about it
a little more and realize that i can't really blame them because the
only times Mindanao ever comes out on TV is when there's "conflict"
(damn. i hate that word, makes all this senseless violence sound so...
sanitized) so it's almost understandable how people seem
to have absolutely no idea what's going on in Mindanao...
Then this MOA brouhaha happens.
Yet again the entire country has it eyes on Mindanao, and yet again,
we are nothing more than a war-torn god-forsaken area somewhere
in the bottom of this country ruined by Gloria.
but i am not going to talk about the war going on here. everyone else
has got more than enough to say about that. this, i will say though,
this is not a war between the Muslims and the Christians. Neither
is it a war between the Military and the MILF. This war is about
people's ironically conflicting ideas on what "peace"is and how to
achieve it, and the differences beingfueled and the implications
exacerbated by a president who pretends to care about having
'peace' but is really only bent on forwarding her own evil agenda.
(but if you must know, that evil president of ours has put
everyone between a rock and a hard place. it's a 'damn if we do,
damn if we don't' scenario here, and were hard-pressed to come
up with anyviable resolution to this stupid, useless and senseless war.)
but like i said, i will NOT be talking about the war. because you know
what, Mindanao is NOT a war-torn, conflict-driven, god-forsaken little
green-shaded area in the Philippine map. Nor is Iligan just the next
MILF target and nothing more. i am completely frustrated at the
thought that the only thing the rest of the country will ever know
about my hometown is how it's going to look like after the MILF
leaves, and the Military finishes with their clearing operations.
that IS not what my hometown is all about. so in this post, i will give real answers to those 'stupid' questions i've been asked repeatedly:
Where is Iligan?
Right next to Cagayan de Oro
Oh yeah, Cagayan... umm.. valley?
Nope. Here's a friggin' map.
Do you have electricity there? (Someone
really did ask me this question, extremely ridiculous and way moronic as it sounds)
- Uhmmm... I'm not quite sure how
to put this... YES WE DO! Iligan happens
to be where Maria Cristina Falls is, which happens to provide hydroelectric energy to the whole of Mindanao.
So do you have monkeys there, like on the streets and stuff?
(My friend Mia was asked this, and this was her brilliant reply)
- It depends on how much Tanduay you've drunk.
Apart from the stupid stuff which i can't help but be sarcastic about,
THIS is what Iligan is about:
1. We are the city of waterfalls. We have like a gazillion waterfalls
(okay, more like 2o) and all of them are breathtaking.
2. We Iliganons are a proud lot, and are quick to defend our family
name and what we perceive is rightfully ours. I admit this trait
might not be mutually exclusive with all other Filipinos, but only
a true Iliganon can say 'lat ni nanay' when in defense of one's honor
and family name in the proper tone and with the correct measure
3. We are composed of Christians, Muslims, and Higa-onons and we
have been peacefully co-existing until this MOA thing came along.
Now we're all suddenly aware of our differences.
And since most of what you see and will be seeing about Iligan on TV
will be the nasty, ugly scenes, let me show Iligan in its full glory:
You see, when they said Mindanao is the land of promise, they were
not just being overly optimistic. We ARE the land of promise. If only
this government will give us the chance to fulfill it.
Monday, August 18, 2008
whatever it is, we never really need an excuse to talk about our city. apparently, as of late, it doesn't take much to induce people into talking mental walks down
so because i have been doing those walks myself more frequently nowadays,
i thought to come up with a list of what makes dumaguete, OUR dumaguete.
some ideas taken from jello and aiken's posts, of course.
to a bum, a wednesday is never just a wednesday. it's the day the defines the week. even the days that completes the week. for the bums, everything begins with a wednesday and ends with a wednesday. and of course, accordingly, many of our highlights have happened on a wednesday... (i can practically hear your thoughts whir for like 100km/second..hehe)and thus a post-break-up poem i wrote for a guy (who introduced this wednesday ritual to me) goes, 'you took all my wednesdays with you..." (only i can by cryptic and corny at the same time, haha).
this in turn is the place that defined us as a group. apart from all the other places, wherein we've practically branded our presence on, hayahay was where we let go of inhibitions. where, according to jello, enchi seemed like the only reason to dance in the world. i swear, there is practically absolutely nothing else that feels like what it feels when you're on the dance floor, swaying to reggae, red horse on one hand, marlboro on the other, with the sweet smell of the tangy sea mixed with the aroma of chez andre's mind-blowing pizza around you. man, i feel like i can practically smell hayahay...
i agree with jello. it's all about ricardo. there in no el amigo for the bums without rick. we love him because he indulges all our weird eccentricities or eccentric weirdness (either way, we're weird and eccentric). he plays our favorite music even if it might potentially aggravate other customers. he gives us ice and water and tissue even if we don't ask for anything else other than ice, water or tissue. (haha) and when we get too drunk to remember to pay, he simply reminds us the next day.
damn, i miss ricardo... i miss el amigo! (oooh, it rhymes!)
when i say we were a friggin' institution when it comes to sted's loyalty, i mean that in a literal sense. oh, the crazy shit that comes with the words 'sted's core'. sexy dancing? oh i know. i shall speak no more...
(why do i keep rhyming?!)
the weekly sillimanian
we weren't just about the bumming around, we were mainly about our orgs too. but then again, the weekly isn't just an org. it was waaaay more than a paper. the weekly sillimanian wasn't even just a demanding, time-consuming, sometimes overwhelming extracurricular... it was a whole damn lifestyle. we worked, slept and ate at that office. and did a lot of other stuff as well. tee-hee.
oh... a whole post can never give justice to what weekly was, so i'll stop trying. suffice to say that bums have a pandora's box of memories in their heads labeled, 'the weekly sillimanian.' 'nuf said.
eatery by the tree
it was mainly aiken's discovery which of course was eventually adopted by everyone else. nanay (as in louella's mom) and her to-die-for porkchops with ginamus and spicy kinilaw was my definition of a 'good meal' then. (well, maybe it still is). but we love nanay not just because of the food, but the fact that you get suffused with warmth and parental love when you get within a meter radius of her. she was always "oh, i'm so proud of all you," and "you guys are sooo great". she was the best proxy mom i had in dumaguete.
at this point, i feel like fighting tears. seriously, this is starting to get painful. but then again, it might result to a brilliant bums reunion as well, so it'll be worth it. hehe. in my mind i can still see us gathered around memento's wooden tables, seated on its wrought-iron chairs, filling the air in between us with marlboro exhaust and brilliant bum chatter.
and then there's joey, and payag, and countrygents (waah! countrygents!) and berto, and wanbol and escaño, even AM-PM, oh the list could go on and on....
you guys have no idea how painful it was to walk around dumaguete alone. everyone's right, dumaguete isn't dumaguete without the brilliant bums.
and seeing all those changes... damn, it's like we never were, i tell you. it's heart-breaking... :(
that portal building monstrosity, the fact that i actually don't know the people who now go to hayahay, the fact that el ams looks different now, or worst the fact that when i say, 'kita tag steds', i have to clarify WHICH steds... can you imagine?
that sigh carried a world of meaning and the fact that only bums can comprehend the extent of its significance leaves me sadder and happier at the same time.
ok. sakto na! OA na ang show. basta, gimingaw ko ninyomg mga pisteha mo!:(
August 19, 2008 12:11 AM
i think that as i walk in school everyone
steals glances, then exchange murmurs on
whatever they needed to comment about me.
i think that everytime i'm in a jeepney, everybody tries hard not to stare but i catch them at times and its interesting how they get unnerved by this.
i think that when pieces of conversations reach my ears as i sit quietly somewhere, enjoying a stick or two, it always involves a mention of me.
somewhere inside this narcissistic shell of self-absorption is the capacity to realize this might all just be an illusion.
i think that i think that i am aware that all this is a rather severe and even somewhat demented illusion...
i continue to feed it anyway.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
but there's one thing i haven't been: a big sister.
when i got home tonight and took out something in my bag, i caused my pack of ciggies to accidentally fall out and i looked up to see the utter disappointment in my sister's face and as always when i get this look, i felt 2-inches tall.
see, i had promised my family i'd quit after my operation and i sincerely tried. but obviously, miserably failed as well.
no news there. i am the worst model of behavior there is. and as if constantly struggling to obey my parents is not hard enough, all my mistakes also resonate to my sisters. i've got three people looking up to me on what to do and what not to. in every thing i do, it's always at the back of my mind to worry if they might do it too: my dysfunctions are almost theirs to inherit, which is why i have to be in a different zip code.
well, in my own warped way, i AM serving as an example, i am showing them what NOT to do.
so far, it's working. my sisters are waaaaaaaaaaaay more mature, more responsible and on whole, less dysfunctional than me, if at all. and no one is prouder of that than i am. even if, i am completely aware that i have nothing to do with this.
or i might. either way, i cannot take credit.
and i have accepted this.
but on some days, i wish i could be a big sister to them, to have more than just the age gap as a reason for them calling me 'ate'.
yet as always, when the choice is between who i am and who i should be (the two never being one and the same), i am loath to pick the latter.
some big sister i am.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
i was suddenly jolted awake when something sort of exploded (you know, that sound you hear when something short-circuits).
jason mraz was singing 'i'm yours' on the radio and went "love, love, lo----uuuuhvvvv...". BANG.
turns out, the wire for the player was sizzling under the kettle because someone (that would
be me) didn't notice that the wire was coiled around the stove and didn't remove it before turning the stove on.
there's more. when the blasted thing short-circuited, it took out all the power in the compound because we have a common power source. that's four houses losing electricity because some genius wasn't awake enough to use her brain. and with the series of brownouts we've been having lately, people are a little touchy when it comes to losing power.
i guess it's never too early to start pissing people off. it's a curse, i tell you. my capacity for screwing up never ceases to amaze me.
seriously. i am in complete self-awe.
STAY TUNED FOR MORE OF MARA'S MORONIC MISADVENTURES.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
there was this greek legend that man and woman used to be attached and were perfect creatures. the jealous gods (their gods are weird like that) broke them apart because they were too perfect. from them on, man and woman spent their whole lives searching for their other halves to be complete.
the hopeless romantic in me loves that story, while the cynical little devil in my shoulder abhors the idea of my happiness depending on the idea of "the one". or maybe its
just the realist in me talking.
anyhow. this blog isn't about 'the one' (how very refreshing of me)
but about 'the two'. cheeeeeesy. haha
maybe our story would be more compatible with the idea of past lives
and connections between people that endure through lives - past,
present and future. i read (don't ask where) that in your present life,
you tend to surrond yourself with people you love from
your past life. maybe that's the case with jello, angel and me.
i probably loved these two to pieces
(or maybe they were my favorite slaves when i was the queen of india-
im sure they had royalty at some point) because in this life, i do.
and when we met it did feel like finding missing pieces of me.
it's funny because i hated angel when i first met her. maybe because
we were too much alike. (although waay different in some aspects).
anton (THE anton) once said that when we hate people, it's mostly
not because the person is bad or unlikeable but more often we see
something we hate in ourselves in them. well, i remember she was
running her mouth off when we met and was the perfect little premadonna.
anyway, when we found out we had a lot in common and so we decided
to be friends instead. (at some point, more than friends and it
was disgusting. haha.) besides when angel talks it's hard not to listen.
i swear, that girl can put up her life story in to be made to a
movie anytime for sheer shock value.
she's one of the people who's easy to stereotype cause of how she looks.
shallow, party-going, social butterfly. but as stereotypes go,
they're usually just misconceptions. which is true in
her case. (she is NOT an angel, i repeat,
she is NOT an angel! :P) i'd like to believe that i DO NOT
make friends when shallow people, and if i happen to be found among
the company of some, than they are mere pseudo-friends.
anyway, angel is an intelligent, witty person (very much like myself)
and most of our converstions (which i love) are filled with insights
on life, love and whatnot. there is only one other person except jello)
with whom i can bare so much of myself to, strip myself naked
(so to speak) and not feel that maddening fear of being exposed.
and then there's jello... ahhh. had he been straight, angel
and i would not be friends cause wed be fighting over him.
(i can hear jello gagging). he's been my anchor through all the
crazy shit i thought to try in dumaguete, my moral compass even.
although, in the end, i guess i proved to be a stronger influence
cause now, he's not exactly vice-free. (but then again, what
would a non-smoker and a smoker have in common? haha.
that's how small my world is.) still, he kept me sane
and helped me face life with more
maturity than i am actually capable of...
Saturday, July 19, 2008
one hell of morale boost for Pinoys too!
i mean TOP 8 in the world's, people! up there with oxford, cambridge, yale, and all those big-ass schools. damn.
i'd say to know some of these people is my claim to fame.
i know, make a friggin' shrine, why don't I, hehe.
(graph taken from this site)
|Rank||Team||Country||2008||2007||2006||2005||2004||2003||Total||All Time Points||All Time Rank|
|2||Oxford Union||England||99||121||103||93||95|| ||511||1012||2|
|7||UC Cork||Ireland||64||64||99||59||60|| ||346||669||8|
|8||Ateneo de Manila University||Philippines||76||48||49||77||94||344||774||5|
|10||TC Dublin||Ireland||68||65||133||33||35|| ||334||656||10|
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
damn. i miss high school.
seriously, i miss being naive enough to actually not care about being a freak. i miss literally laughing til it hurts with miray, kolitug, michelle and lapay. i miss stalking our crushes like the weirdos we were.
i miss having a crush as a reason for going to school. i miss raving over stupid nothings like him lending me a pen, or saying my name (for whatever reason), or for merely looking my way. (i guess i was a freak, big time. hehehe)
i miss ma'am tado (our version of all that represented evil then). i see fellow IDS people giving me funny looks over this. but deny it you want, you miss her too. we liked being given hell, and then rant about to hell and back while doing BCDs (her infamous Beautification and Cleanliness Drive wherein we 'bungkal' the living shit out of weeds) . we loved hating her then and her blasted vendetta against all things green and leafy, but we miss her now. it takes age to realize that she made us learn valuable lessons (albeit against our will).
just shut up and agree.
i miss doing BCDs. i'm not being weird on purpose. it really was fun, i swear. i've been interacting with IDS' weeds since sophomore year, that I have actually developed deep and lasting connections with so-called BCD mates, the IDS grounds, and the weeds, i guess.
i miss girl talks. i feel funny just saying that cause it makes me sound girly-girl when i never was, but i miss our convoluted conversations about boys, our lovelives (or the lack thereof), and our mild obsessions over whatever interaction any of us happen to have with our crushes (imagined or not).
i miss my bully, extremely annoying and weirdly endearing high school nemesis. he and i exchanged a few slaps and punches, got sent to the guidance office twice, almost got kicked out of CAT for manhandling and officer-assaulting and reaped enough crazy memories from these antics to last a lifetime.
i miss being in the last section! with our school's obsession for academic excellence, people in the last section were the only ones who were smart enough to realize all we needed were passing grades to graduate. so we majored on making every moment in high school memorable, and minored on academics while everyone else was too busy studying to enjoy high school. 'em nerds.
we were rowdy, crazy, careless, happy-go-lucky, and damn proud of it!
i miss the crazy things we called ourselves: s-club 7, rocktech boys, charlies' angels and their faithful sidekick... it gives me goosebumps just thinking about how jologs we were. in retrospect though, we didn't know better, and it was fun, so, whatever. hehe.
i miss the so-called group studies we had wherein we never did any studying. i remember going to rachel's place with the girls, coercing the boys to come, then leaving them in the sala, to hide our kilig in the bedroom over them being there. i mean, can you get more high school-y than that?!
but most of all, i miss that feeling of excitement over the promises of what lies beyond high school... the prophecies we made, the courses we were gonna take, the marks we were gonna make and the lives we were gonna change...
it's been six years now. i'm sure we never thought this is where we were gonna end up (speaking for myself, that would be limbo). i wonder how everyone else is?
how does everyone look now? what are they doing with their lives? are they still the same people i knew? are we still the same absurd bunch of crazy/fun omegans that we were then?
damn. i really miss high school :(
so i made this list for people more bored than me.
maybe it'll shed some light on my weirdness.
You Are Cayenne Pepper
You are very over the top and a bit overwhelming.
You have a fiery personality, and you can give anyone a good jolt.
You can easily take things up a couple notches, no matter what crowd you're running with.
You Are 70% Boyish and 30% Girlish
You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.
hi i'm Hokulani Kalia. mouthful, ain't it? not like i need another name.
Your Hawaiian Name is:
i am weirdo. no news there.
You Are 44% Weirdo
You're definitely quite strange, but you can act like a normal person when you have to.
(But just because you can act normally, it certainly doesn't mean you want to!)
You have normal aspects to your personality... but you usually don't choose to emphasize them.
so, i like orange. sue me.
Your Aura is Orange
You're a bit of a loner, but you're never lonely. You know how to entertain yourself.
Whether you're trying an extreme sport or a new weird food, you always live on the edge.
The purpose of your life: testing limits - both physical and mental... and then telling people about it.
Famous oranges include: Timothy Leary, David Blaine, Tony Hawk, Carey Hart
Careers for you to try: Snowboarder, Circus Performer, Undercover Agent
this is the only result i don't like. what do you mean i'm NOT destined
for freakin' world domination?!!!
You Are Not Destined to Rule the World
You are destined for something else...
Like inventing a new type of cupcake.
You just don't have the stomach for brutality.
But watch out - because many people do!