Saturday, August 23, 2008

get a dose of emo-ness

is it really a sign of maturity to realize that no one is coming to make you happy?

that no one else but ourselves can make us happy. that if we can't with be happy ourselves, why do we think we can be happy with other people?

what i find problematic with this is the assumption that people are actually capable of being happy alone. i cannot fathom that. my greatest fear is to be alone. and the idea of supposedly finding happiness in that does not remotely make sense to me.

yet, is that the point in life? to realize in the end that we came in alone therefore we leave alone and to think otherwise is some fantasy we created to numb the harsh lonely truth?

in a busy street, i look around into those streams of nameless faceless and think that i see the same eyes. those secretly terrified eyes that lurk behind the nonchalance, the pretense of not caring.

my eyes.

those that endlessly carry the fear that i AM alone. that the world is not my company but merely a sea of observers to my grief borne of my endless search for someone who's never going to come.

i used to think i was a hopeless romantic. and that my constant fantasies of meeting that one true love are the manifestations of being one. now i think they are simply the delusions of a person terrified of facing up to the truth that there is no one i am supposed to be waiting for.

i look around and i see people who have settled for whatever company the circumstances of their lives have granted them just to keep from sleeping in cold beds at night. they put with the shit, the countless idiosyncracies, the lack of actual warmth, the endless little gory details of forced cohabitation so they won't be alone. and those who chose to play solitaire sleep with their misery looking out to the world with my eyes only with more grief.

it scares the shit out of me to see myself in them.

i didn't know when i started to be so bleak. maybe the world had always been this bleak and i had just caught up. maybe im just an overly-pessimistic sick little kid.

maybe we ARE just pieces of meat in various stages of decay and my fears are all warpedly founded. or maybe im just paranoid.

maybe i should just go to sleep. i don't wanna prove myself right and find myslef living the nightmare i just wrote down. there's a sane part of me that says i should know better than to think that this all life has to offer.

at least i think that's the sane part of me.

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