Tuesday, August 5, 2008

this responsibility thing

for the last 22 (i wanna savor the last month i am able to say this) years i have been a lot of things - an enumeration of which would make this post way more convoluted than it actually is.

but there's one thing i haven't been: a big sister.

when i got home tonight and took out something in my bag, i caused my pack of ciggies to accidentally fall out and i looked up to see the utter disappointment in my sister's face and as always when i get this look, i felt 2-inches tall.

see, i had promised my family i'd quit after my operation and i sincerely tried. but obviously, miserably failed as well.

no news there. i am the worst model of behavior there is. and as if constantly struggling to obey my parents is not hard enough, all my mistakes also resonate to my sisters. i've got three people looking up to me on what to do and what not to. in every thing i do, it's always at the back of my mind to worry if they might do it too: my dysfunctions are almost theirs to inherit, which is why i have to be in a different zip code.

well, in my own warped way, i AM serving as an example, i am showing them what NOT to do.
so far, it's working. my sisters are waaaaaaaaaaaay more mature, more responsible and on whole, less dysfunctional than me, if at all. and no one is prouder of that than i am. even if, i am completely aware that i have nothing to do with this.

or i might. either way, i cannot take credit.

and i have accepted this.

but on some days, i wish i could be a big sister to them, to have more than just the age gap as a reason for them calling me 'ate'.

yet as always, when the choice is between who i am and who i should be (the two never being one and the same), i am loath to pick the latter.

some big sister i am.

8 comments:

flipt said...

tsk, tsk...i've always wanted to be a big sister.. hahaha.. XD

Jello said...

i dont know mam but we are all dysfuntional and that's what makes us beautiful.hahaha. seriously, i know u and im not gonna say ur perfectly sane and okay coz ur not...hahaha. but one thing im really proud of you is that you are not afraid to live. u always have this thirst for life. of pushing ur way to experience what the world has to offer. and so far, this is not a bad idea coz uve never been to drugs...hahaha. ur always uncomfortable with routine, u always want to do something crazy (in a not so bad way), ur always optimistic about something (remember going to Manila to debate without money and support from the school?)...those and many more make u a great person, not just a great ate!!! so go gurl!!!

tetel said...

hey mara. taas kaayo akong reply so gacomment na lang ko. define dysfucntional. hahaha. i'm sure your sisters find you cool. i didn't know you had an operation. what kind exactly?

anyway, akong url is http://tetel.blogdrive.com and http://oodlestoodles.livejournal.com.

naa ka livejournal?

cheers mar! naa ra gihapon ko sa nz oi. next year ko mouli.

Aiken said...

Just because you don't follow or obey your parent's rules doesn't mean that you're not showing what it is to be that "ate". and don't get me wrong... it's not about showing them what's right. it's about them seeing the good in what you do.

and i agree with jello too.

Aiken said...

plus, naa pa juy lain... what's making you the "ate" is that you're not trying to please anybody... you're taking control of your life and handling that responsiblity is reasonable enough for them to see you as "ate".

mara said...

kahilakon dayon kog popcorn - aw, lansang jud - sa inyo mga reply...
p-adopt nya mo sako parents...

angel said...

since jello and aiken has said most of the impt things, here's all i can say: if you're a bad ate, what does that make me?

aber.

hehehehehe

Moustached Mona Lisa said...

MARA IS MY MUSE. Get yourself in medical trouble again please so i can make epics. 'nuang ra, yot.
iniwey, that poem bout you is part of the chapbook. illustrated. bungga man gud ka, teh. hihi