Monday, September 29, 2008

23 is the new 22


it's my warped way of refusing to grow older.

hmmmmmmm... when did our birthdays start to become
reminders that we're running out of time, instead
of being granted more?
maybe it's a half-full, half-empty thing.
so now i'm a pessimist.
well, i guess i've always been chronically so.
or have at least pretended to be for the last 22 years.

but like i've told easter, i'm post-emo now. hehe

anyway, it's my birthday and i felt like i should do something.
so, here i am commemorating being a year closer to the deadline
with a blog post. (woah, that sounds so.... emo. hehehe)
honestly, it doesn't feel any different. i'd probably forget
if i don't always have my nose in friendster.
but there is something i want to write about....

you know how semisonic sang 'every new beginning starts from
some other beginning's end..'? well, 23 is my new beginning.
i know this is totally blaspheming the feminine cause
and my claim to be part of it, but well, it starts and ends with a guy.

what can i say, it's the perpetual story of my life.
actually, it's angel's tagline and mine:
in perpetual search of true love (or our idea of it).

so yes, there's a guy. and as much as i want to satisfy
your burning curiosity which is searing a hole in my chatbox,
i think splashing him all over this blog will jinx it so...
let's just say, it will be a happy birthday for me... :)

Sunday, September 21, 2008

death


death has been all around lately. like a bad smell, it follows me around. this smell, it sticks to my clothes and my fingertips so that it mixes with the smell of nicotine when I smoke. all those news of innumerable deaths, sporadic in frequency, but overwhelmingly frequent, nonetheless: the grim consequences of a tragedy in the high seas, and floods, and car crashes and murders in between.

closer to home, already, i've been to three funerals this year. all second-degree relatives, all deaths from a cocktail of everyday diseases, matured to a full ripe with complications.

i was there to witness their grief - and by 'them' i mean everyone else who wasn't me. it was much like what i saw in TV, only that the tears are not anonymous. and the smell is more pungent. i know these people, i grew up with them around: kissed their hands at family gatherings like the good niece i was, run to their biddings like the good niece i was, and now, after their deaths, i make sure to dutifully attend vigils, like the good niece i am.

but the good niece wasn't really here to grieve. i was here to be a spectator. i see the precarious threads from which my cousins' sanities are hung, but pushed to the sidelines, i sit silently enthralled in this strange circus of deaths.

this most recent death, i find myself racking my brains for memories of this aunt i grew up having around but i find i can hardly remember. conversations float around me: of what she was like, how she was the kindest person they knew. she was kind, true. she was human, more true. and i scarcely remember her and this i deeply regret as i avert my eyes every time they cross paths with those of my cousins.

those nightly vigils are filled with all these nameless faces, all vaguely familiar: faces morose when at an arm's length from the coffin, then suddenly shift to their everyday countennance - just another death. nothing to be all hyped up about.

i wonder if my face was like that.

Sunday, September 7, 2008

on sept seven...



two extremely blogworthy events for today:

first is angel's birthday. we happen to share the same birth month so when her birthday comes i feel a mixture of happiness and dread. happiness over the gift of another year for a good friend and myself, and dread over having to add yet another year on my age. (at least i'm still young enough to get away with being shallow. haha).

here's a testi i made for her at friendster:

for my most special girlfriend (and i mean that in a completely un-lesbian way) on her most special day:


damn, we've actually known each other for more than half a decade now (altho most tyms it seems lyk iv known u all my lyf--aww) and we've been thru a LOT. i know we promised to always be together on r birthdays (with aiken on those coco amigo days of long ago), but i guess even then, we've always known that we're bound to take different roads and live different lives. and yet, despite the fact that we hardly get to update each other on the ongoings of our lives now, i know we will always and forever share the things that matter. we will always have those twisted and epic-long discussions on life and love, we will always have those sudden fits of laughter over things we'd rather not tell people about, we'll always have those theme songs in commemoration of the angel-mara tandem and our misadventures...
cheers to making new memories to laugh and cry over
miss u mam. hapi birthday!

and...

ren did a report on national TV today!!!

woohooo!!! kudos to ren2!
the baby is now... a reporter!
hehehe. super gushing with pride...:)

Thursday, September 4, 2008

spell freaky


so just to make things more warped, i think my student (who is our age or slightly older, 2nd courser, with a job naman, justify, justify...) is courting me. (do people still use that word?)

well at least i think he likes me.

but this teacher-student thing (besides totally cramping my style) makes it beyond weird. although, i am honestly more amused and flattered at the thought than actually interested.

even so...

he's is kind of a cutie. hahaha

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

status check

it's been almost four months since i decided that a broken heart simply took too much effort to heal.. therefore i will completely ignore it instead.

haven't done a status check since. just skirted around the issue, hardly probing, afraid to acknowledge that my hope of the hurt dissipating on its own is a delusion.

which it is.

all this time, i filled the void with worries about work, psuedo-intimacy from proxy male company. of course, one drunken night when i and my current "squeeze" (as jam would call it) ended up kissing, i broke down afterwards, as i knew i would.

always the idiot who emotionally invests over the most fleeting of connections.

this sordid affair of the 'love that was once was but is no more' has been a real pain in the ass for the past year. i wish i can have it done and over with.
but then, it doesn't work that way does it?

how does it work though?

as for the status check... mmm.. still too chicken. don't know what to do yet with what i might find out.
i did realize something though, while smoking and counting the bathroom tiles:
it was never my intention to be happy.
i mean, can you imagine how boring that would be? hehehe
(emoooooooooooooo!!!!)