Tuesday, September 2, 2008

status check

it's been almost four months since i decided that a broken heart simply took too much effort to heal.. therefore i will completely ignore it instead.

haven't done a status check since. just skirted around the issue, hardly probing, afraid to acknowledge that my hope of the hurt dissipating on its own is a delusion.

which it is.

all this time, i filled the void with worries about work, psuedo-intimacy from proxy male company. of course, one drunken night when i and my current "squeeze" (as jam would call it) ended up kissing, i broke down afterwards, as i knew i would.

always the idiot who emotionally invests over the most fleeting of connections.

this sordid affair of the 'love that was once was but is no more' has been a real pain in the ass for the past year. i wish i can have it done and over with.
but then, it doesn't work that way does it?

how does it work though?

as for the status check... mmm.. still too chicken. don't know what to do yet with what i might find out.
i did realize something though, while smoking and counting the bathroom tiles:
it was never my intention to be happy.
i mean, can you imagine how boring that would be? hehehe


verna said...

i can't believe i'm gonna say this: i miss those kind of emo-gritting-wasted moments.. probably because those were the days that i took a lot of effort self-reflecting (and being bitter/sweet sometimes). which is, i think, way better than having a "stable" state-of-mind. in other words - boring, predictable, uninspired and so on.

but still, broken heart is shit!

mara said...

spoken like a true goner. ur done for in the lurve dept... ur in the *gulp* happy-ever-after stage na mameh! haha.

Verna Theresa said...

i wouldn't say so still~~ haha. there's still lots of things in the romantic lane that i have yet to have.. ugh! call this discontent. shoot me!

mara said...

oh ul work it out.... we're still soo young mameh! we have our whole lives ahead of us!!! (ugh. i sound like a speaker at a graduation. hehehe)