Wednesday, October 1, 2008

to new beginnings


i was fourteen and unspeakably naive. it was sophomore year in high school, i think i was in the middle of an identity crisis (totally unrelated to gender, by the way) and so i had spent every waking day trying to be good enough so that people will find me interesting -- find me worthy of their attention.

he was there and he engaged me and made me feel worthwhile. we talked about whether the bible should be taken literally which gradually evolved to chicken-egg discussions. our conversations, however inane, always left me grinning. i thought to myself, here's someone worth the time of day, and i thought so till graduation.

we gradually evolved. i fell in "love" with numerous guys and he fell deeply in love with margill... nothing and everything stayed the same. he slipped further away, and yet stayed near. he was convinced margill was the love of his life, and he was still the only the person i could sit for an hour with, saying nothing, and walk away feeling like it was the best conversation i had.

then college happened and we slipped further still. we emailed now and then, but we practically just blinked in and out, in a span of numerous months for a time -- a year even. for the last couple of years we stood at the sidelines of each other's lives. and yet when everything seemed to crash down on me and the most recent love of my life, left me alone to pick up the broken pieces... he was there and it was high school, all over again.

things change. but some things always stay the same. i'm glad that what i have with him is one of those things. because although i can handle change, i need at least one thing to remain true and unshakable...

as it is with him. all these years, he's always been there and i always found comfort in the fact that i had him. i tell people he's my bestfriend, but he's always been a lot more than that. i may not be able to contain what we have within any label, but we really don't need one.

i know exactly how much he means to me.

(and that's all i'm saying about it. i dont wanna preempt things, and ruin this before it even starts...:) i wanna keep him for myself. for now. hehe)

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

ahahahah! kaila ko! - tetel

mara said...

haha. one of the few tel...:) its so weird that itd turn out to be him after all this time:)

Easter Bunny said...

hmm.... hmmm.... hmmmmmmmmmmmm.... picture? HEHE

Aiken said...

na mar, gipangisgan kang angel sa imong birthday.. hehehe

angel said...

I'm happy that there's someone that lights you up inside again mam... But, in the spirit of taking baby steps, i will reserve further comment. hehehe

mara said...

okay. i just read angel's bday blog and first of all, i am touched (tnx mam!) 2nd, i must admit i didnt see the lecture coming and third and most importantly, I HAVE MOVED ON (i am so proud, hehe) and LET ME JUST EMPHASIZE that the moving on came BEFORE the new guy.
just wanted to make that clear. hehe.
i agree with you mam when you said that by moving on doesn't necessarily mean 'find a new guy' but in fairness to me and him, we've considered taking our relationship to the next level since last year pa, (he's my high school best friend) but i wanted to work through my stupid mark issues first.
so there...:)
defensive ra? hehe
but i hear you mam, i'll learn from my mistakes (God knows i cant afford to make the same ones), and
when your best friend is your boy friend, that kinds of puts a LOT on the table.
thus the baby steps... :)
LOVE YOU MAM!

Aiken said...

AAAAAtttttttttttt kahit iba na ang minamahal kooo.. kung sinooo man ang siyaaang may ariii ng yong pusoooo. ang bawaaaaaat pangalaaann, kalarooot, kaibigaaaan, iisa palamang ang minahaaaal ko nggggggg ganitoooooooo....... wahehehehehehehe

xandersalamander said...

yati. pang maalaala mo kaya hehehehe nah. mingaw ko ninyo tanan!

michelle said...

wee!!! belated happy birthday mar! :) i'm just happy for you. go fight win.

bleh easter, kakita na ang cebu-based bums.

mara said...

haha... sadya nga talagang mabenta ang blog kung lablyp ang pinag-uusapan. hehe...
all i can say is...
i AM SUPER HAPPY right now...
but scared shitless half the time too.
ahay...
mao na kini dagway ang gugma nga gi-atay..
hehe.
(oooooooooh, si xanduuuur o!!! miss you xands!!! ummwah!)