Saturday, January 10, 2009
It was one of those things that didn’t die. No matter how long you burrowed them, deep, in the corners of your brain you don’t often visit. Once in a while, out of the blue, they pop out, escapee thoughts you thought you’ve sentenced for good. And when they came out it’s as if you never struggled to repress them, forget them, rendered them hopeless, lost causes, battles you’ve long decided too futile to fight for… or too afraid to fight for, either way, they've been labeled “lost causes”, those unattainable things that you were never meant to have…
Why do they have to sneak up on you like this? A smile, a memory awakened and you’re drowning in the pool again, lost in the flood of those forbidden fantasies washing over you as if the last couple of years never happened.
It wasn’t really grief so much as a reawakened and intensified longing and hope… the last things you needed, of course. Not when you’d been reinventing yourself for so long, immersed yourself in all these experiences to surface anew.
Pretense is the bane of the hopeless. They realize the hard way that it was all for naught. Inevitably, they will find themselves in the same damning path of long ago… lost in his smile, his voice… wishing, hoping, pining… all over again.