Tuesday, June 2, 2009
down the rabbit hole...
i am getting more fidgety by the minute. i feel like alice
falling down the friggin' rabbit hole (did she even fall? i
mean how big is that hole anyway?) but only after she knowingly
jumped in, even gleefully so, then hesitating in the middle and
of course painfully realizing one cannot go against gravity.
am i even making sense?
ugh. if i were to be honest, i am EXACTLY where i want to be. it
all seems like limbo but really, i have carved for myself a path
which i intend to follow through if only they weren't so many
variables on the way: like will i actually pass LAE? if i don't,
will i pass in any other decent law school? because ateneo
(assuming i'll pass) is totally out of the question, and will i
even be able to afford to sustain myself?
and yet... i am willing to trudge on, albeit for reasons that are
yet to be clear to me, or maybe clarity isn't even the issue. maybe
i just don't want to admit that law school is my excuse to get out.
i mean, why do i really want it? is it because i view it as a lesser
evil? a more preferable default set-up? like, as opposed to... what?
this limbo i'm in. of iligan. of finishing a master's degree i didn't
want or need in the first place. of this rather cozy set-up of
living with parents and not having bills to pay.
arrrgh. i have no idea where i'm getting at. and i apologize to the
poor shmucks who might find themselves reading this. i'd write this
dumb entry on my journal if i wasn't so attention-deprived...
besides, i could use the validation of having people comment over my
worthless dilemma. guess, i'm just throwing this virtual SOS in the
hopes someone can dispense some decent advice my way. (not that
i'm the type to even listen in the first place... XD)
but really, knowing myself, i think i want this because i live my
life by going through one rabbit hole to another. i thrive when i
am stripped off all my securities. otherwise, i get too comfy and
...just not sure if, a. that self-assessment is valid and/or accurate
and b. if this is one rabbit hole i should stay out off.
(i have no idea why i keep forcing the 'alice in wonderland' analogy.
guess i'm too lazy to be more creative)