Friday, July 24, 2009

why i hate being an adult...

i can't step on puddles anymore.

they used to be the most fun thing in the world. i remember stepping
on EVERY puddle with glee when i go home from school after the rain.
now, when i happen to even semi-step on an itsy-bitsy one,
i freak out.

i have a filtering mechanism

like, i go crazy thinking about what to say, how to say it, how much
to say, who to say what to... argh! although i still end up saying
stupid stuff to the wrong people or saying wrong stuff to stupid people
or even talking to people i would don't actually want to talk to (a.k.a.
small talk), i miss being a kid and having the license to say every darn
thing i want.

i know about ULTERIOR motives

and i am to suspect people of having them.

i have to pretend to be nice

i am NOT a nice person. but i am not a bad person either. so i would
very much like to reserve the right to be nice when i want to and be
mean when i want to or not be nice simply because i am expected to,
dammit. but i have long surrendered that right and have this default
smile instead lest i be accused to not having PROPER manners.

i can't be too much of an idealist

i keep being told to "be realistic", "be practical", "look at the
world from a pragmatic sense of view", "get your head out of the
clouds"... and i am up to my neck with this shit. i vowed a long
time ago that i ain't taking my head out of the clouds to please
nobody and yet, just a couple of days ago i heard my self telling
my sister to "be practical..." i cringed. but it's too late.
apparently, i've got my feet planted firmly on the ground now.

i can't believe in cinderella anymore

because princes on white horses don't exist. true love is a load of
bull and people who believe in love at first sight and that they do,
in fact, lead to happily-ever-afters are delusional... i think most
of the me now has surrendered to this but there's still that part of
me who wants her chance at that ball with glass slippers on, wistfully
looking out the window for the fairy godmother to make it all come true.

i have no use for band-aids

adults have wounds in places where band-aids are completely useless,
see. i'd give anything to have the the kind of troubles that a trusty
band-aid can solve.

but mostly, i hate looking around and mostly, only seeing the bad instead of
the good
. i don't know when i started to stopped being a kid,
but i wished i had paid more attention.

but then again, maybe i still have that bit of the kid in me. that
part who still believes that shooting stars grant wishes and that
rainbows are real and not some trick of the light.

maybe if i listened to the kid more often and not let the adults of
the world distract me too much... i just might start seeing more of
the good and the sight of a puddle would be reason enough make my day.


Anonymous said...

i love this post mara! ;-) i can sooo relate, especially with the ulterior motive and cinderella stuff.

we all have a kid in us and it isn't worthless to listen to that side once in a while. just my two cents. hehe.

mara said...

thank you suzieeee!!! hehe

Scottiboy said...

but rainbows are real and yes they are tricks of the light. =]

i think that being a kid has perks in that there's not much responsibilities. well i guess other than keeping a plant or a gold fish alive which is more of a past time really than a job.

honestly though, i think being a kid sucks. your parents tell you lies, actually fairy tales, but yeah lies just the same. people give you easy explanations on things, they don't let you join adult conversations, you have curfew, too many rules, and when you want something and they won't give it to you, no matter how hard you weep, they'll just tell you that it's because they love you or some variation of such. it sucks.

no one needs to be a kid again. this is so not me but... as long as family is there, you'll always take the role of being the kid for both good and bad reasons. we cannot control the outside world in how they influence as in becoming the adults that we are - not through love, diplomcay, or bombs. but we can be who we are, real, unmasked, vulnerable, and happy with the people we consider family. childhood memories are simply often associated with family and there's no better way celebrate childhood or act like a kid again than with family. lol

PS i'm a liberalist btw so you can
define family anyway you like.

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Anonymous said...

I like this line... 'adults have wounds in places where band-aids are completely useless,see.'

mara said...