Monday, October 18, 2010

tired


i am tired of this cat and mouse game we are playing.
you let me catch you for a bit, and then you run off again
most of the time i seem to be the cat
but really, i'm the mouse being played at
i am tired of constantly feeling like
begging for something that isn't mine
well, you're certainly not mine
not your life, not your attention, not your time
what i'm asking, what i want to know
is in that whole world of you,
how much are you willing to share with me?
and in that unfathomable well of a mind
how many thoughts will you think with me?

because i am tired of running
and playing this little game
and i am tired of sitting
and i am tired of waiting
and i am tired of hoping
...i'm all packed and ready to go
but you never stop
long enough for me to get on.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

12 hours in dumaguete



time. seems like we're always running out time. all we get
are snatches and moments, hurried kisses and abrupt embraces...
measly hours that seem like seconds.

on the long exhuasting bus ride that will take me to my boat
to Dumaguete, scenarios kept running through my head like from
some icky pinoy B-grade romance flick.

Bea to John Lloyd: "Sana ako ulit..."
John Lloyd: "She had me at worst, you had me at my best, but you
chose to break my heart."

i started snickering to myself which made the passenger beside me
give me a tentative look and shuffled a little to the window.

The boat trip made me more anxious. So anxious that it took me a
couple of minutes to notice the guy who was nervously asking if i was
in the right bunk.

As it happens, no, i am not in the right bunk. And yes, i plan to
occupy this one nevertheless.

The poor bloke didn't put up a fight.

i grew a conscience and offered to transfer and in turn he offered to
look for my bed first and then help me with my bags.

i thought he wasn't coming back, but when he did, he looked like he
scoured the whole ship and it turns out, my blasted bunk was in the
bottom probably right next to the engine from the looks of him.

anyway, i ended up occupying his bed for the rest of the trip and
surprisingly, he and his friends actually turned up to be interesting
company. we swapped anecdotes, laughed and i welcomed the distraction.

before going on this trip, i had hoped to not run into people i know
because i wanted time to think. to ask myself what i hoped to get
from seeing him. where i hoped to find myself and us after we met
and talked.

but i've been asking myself the same thing for months and i felt like
going in circles.

after all been's said and done. i'm still drawin up a blank wall.

04/18/08

---- this story had one hell of a bad ending.

two years later, i feel i'm going down the exact same path.
different male lead. same plot. same setting even. blasted Dumaguete.
My haven and my pitfall.

will it still have the same ending?

08/04/10 - 11:36 PM

Saturday, July 31, 2010

gifts


give me stars
give me a garden
where i can breathe
give me blossoms
falling gently
upon my head
give me oceans
give me reasons
to know that i live
or better yet
give me you
to give it to

- mickey
hayahay, july 2010

don't hate me for publishing this mickey.
i have two excuses:
1. my blog is just begging for this poem
2. i have no words for that night, except these beautiful
borrowed ones and that night begs to be chronicled as well

Monday, June 14, 2010

somebody gag me


words.

i've found so many uses for them.

change people's opinions. make students look at the same things
differently. get what i want. weave stories. build whatever i
want on thin air. forge acquaintances. get people's favor.

but it is when words are most powerful, that they are at their
most dangerous as well.

because i use words to hurt people too. to manipulate, blackmail
and cut people down to size. i could cut you right down the middle
with a sentence. i could make gashes deeper and more painful than
any flesh wound with words spoken in spite. i could peel off any
pretense and force you to display painfully hidden insecurities.

when i get hurt i verbally lash out and use words that cut deeper
than knives.

i try to hurt people less, but well, TRY is still the operative
term.

just had a bout with my father and we're both emotionally bleeding
right now.

he says i'm ungrateful and useless and stupid and should just move
out, i say the same things and ask him why he thinks this is
his house.

i am a bad person.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

skinship


weird how i could kiss some random guy and not stand someone's arm
on my shoulder. it's like that debate motion: this house believes
that consent should be the only standard on sexual relationships.

totally bordering on truism, i should say. but it's interesting how
it makes a world of difference.

if only ALL males were born with awareness of such.

i'd finally get him off my back and settle in comfortable
companionship.

a girl can only ask as much.

*dedicated to onew and jonghyun oppas. hehehe :P

Friday, April 9, 2010

chef for the summer


because the last couple of weeks are starting to feel like
the makings of the most boring summer ever, i have decided
to spice life up a bit. quite literally.

now this might not be the best decision for the people
who live with me (including those who will be within
striking proximity over the summer) given that they will
be the default guinea pigs for my (hopefully) weekly
concoctions. but they seem to be okay after consuming my
first recipe so...i would say it is safe to proceed.

aja! XD

Sunday, April 4, 2010

happiness


the thing about happiness is that it can only be pursued...

a friend in facebook posted this recently and upon reading it,
i was instantly seized by the desire to outrightly counter it,
only to come up empty-handed.

because, well... it's true.

this elusive concept is something everyone constantly aspires
to capture but is only able to do so fleetingly. there's no such
thing as a constant state of happiness. or more to the point,
there's no such thing as a happy-ever-after.

but this little post isn't to dampen anyone's easter-induced cheer.
just sayin maybe we've all gone about it all wrong. the objective
should never have been a happy-ever-after in the first place. i
don't know about you, but i would dread such a boring state. i mean,
seriously, does anyone really want to be ALWAYS happy? to be
friggin' cheerful 24/7? like, constant, uninterrupted bliss, every
day,for the rest of your life? gah.

No, i don't think no one sane would want that. It's like what my
fictional alter-ego Ally Mcbeal (it's my blog, shut up) said,
"The real truth is, I probably don't want to be too happy or content.
Because, then what? I actually like the quest, the search. That's the
fun. The more lost you are, the more you have to look forward to. What
do you know? I'm having a great time and I don't even know it."

So yes, it is meant to be pursued. But that's just the point, isn't it?
Life is about the journey, the pursuit, or the climb if you're into
miley's pop psychology.

And it's not so bad.

I'd live for five minutes of happy in a week of blue and mondays.
Two cups of good coffee in a charming little nook after an entire
day of harassment at work. A beer or two with one good friend after
crying over three-a-half jerks.

Life's a bitch, but there are those moments, mere seconds even,
of happiness.

And in the end, those rare, fleeting moments are enough and all we
can really ask for.

Happy easter everyone :)

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

...because we all need to be loved



at 21, i thought i had found the man i wanted to marry in him.
he came and asked for my hand in marriage from my impossibly
obstinate father. he loved me. we existed for each. every little
bit of me - the good parts, and yes the bad parts - amused him.

circumstances forced us apart. then he hurt me like no one else had.
hurt like hell.

... but i might still be in love with him.

then there was the soul mate.
he was my best friend. and i don't mean that like a cliche.
(although we were each other's cliche).we were always on the
same page. laughed at the same jokes. read the same books.
wondered about the same things. shared the same dysfunctions.
had the best conversations. i wrote poems for him and he
compared all his past girlfriends to me.friendship grew to love
and we tittered on the verge of forever.

or so i thought.

he cheated on me for the company whore (their label not mine).
hell then hath no fury like mine.

... but i still miss him.

now, here this amazing guy. talented like no one i've known this
up close. appealing, no, HOT. dotes on his father like no male
i've known and i find this completely endearing.

there's no oomph though. and i feel that even if we try, it won't
get anywhere. and i shouldn't emotionally invest in what can be
potentially painful

... i invest anyway.

why?
maybe because i'm a masochist.
or just plain incapable of learning from my mistakes, broken hearts
be damned.

here's one theory though.
we (or just me?) are loath to pass up an opportunity for love,
however awry or painful the circumstances may be. and the heart...
this amazingly one-dimensional thing that keeps pushin me to find
this man that reality tells me does not exist, CANNOT remember pain.

at the end of the day,
we all just want to be loved.