Tuesday, February 23, 2010

...because we all need to be loved

at 21, i thought i had found the man i wanted to marry in him.
he came and asked for my hand in marriage from my impossibly
obstinate father. he loved me. we existed for each. every little
bit of me - the good parts, and yes the bad parts - amused him.

circumstances forced us apart. then he hurt me like no one else had.
hurt like hell.

... but i might still be in love with him.

then there was the soul mate.
he was my best friend. and i don't mean that like a cliche.
(although we were each other's cliche).we were always on the
same page. laughed at the same jokes. read the same books.
wondered about the same things. shared the same dysfunctions.
had the best conversations. i wrote poems for him and he
compared all his past girlfriends to me.friendship grew to love
and we tittered on the verge of forever.

or so i thought.

he cheated on me for the company whore (their label not mine).
hell then hath no fury like mine.

... but i still miss him.

now, here this amazing guy. talented like no one i've known this
up close. appealing, no, HOT. dotes on his father like no male
i've known and i find this completely endearing.

there's no oomph though. and i feel that even if we try, it won't
get anywhere. and i shouldn't emotionally invest in what can be
potentially painful

... i invest anyway.

maybe because i'm a masochist.
or just plain incapable of learning from my mistakes, broken hearts
be damned.

here's one theory though.
we (or just me?) are loath to pass up an opportunity for love,
however awry or painful the circumstances may be. and the heart...
this amazingly one-dimensional thing that keeps pushin me to find
this man that reality tells me does not exist, CANNOT remember pain.

at the end of the day,
we all just want to be loved.