Sunday, February 20, 2011

two pink lines

*just something I wrote at the height of the pregnancy drama :) still
very much pregnant, goin seven months, and despite, well despite
everything... i am very happy and beside myself with excitement
to meet our girl and the the newest BBum. haha.

There they are.

Those two pink lines.

So benign looking and unassuming. The simple (and inevitable)
result of my urine’s current composition and whatever chemicals
they doused that thing with. Just two miniscule lines, and yet
their appearance felt like a physical slap, leaving a screaming
red mark on its wake.

All those dreams, all those carefully laid plans, gone.

Those three agonizing minutes that the lines took before shyly
revealing themselves: those were the last three minutes of my
life as i know it. When those lines confirmed what has become
a nagging certainty at the back of mind, I ceased becoming who
I was, and became someone all parents dreaded their sweet little
girl to be: a unwed mother, a single parent, possibly a soon-to-be
estranged sister and disowned daughter. Not to mention what those
two lines REALLY mean. That there will be a whole entire person,
half me, half him and entirely, completely herself that i will be
responsible for forever.

I cannot begin to fathom the gravity of you.

But I am, despite all my fears and shortcomings, very very excited
to meet you.